Atom's Rants: Pickles Are Bad
- truemorton
- Jun 16
- 3 min read
This world has been inhabited by Pickles for over 4,000 years! Apparently, the earliest evidence of pickling cucumbers dates back to 2030 BC in the Tigris Valley. Hey India, look, I understand that the lack of refrigeration could make someone want to pickle something to give it more life. Sure… certainly… But then as time went on, you inspired more dipshits to keep making them in Greece, Egypt, and throughout Asia… And then it got to freakin’ Europe. And you know what? Those colonizing bastards brought the devil-dickery of pickles to what would be the United States: The land of the free, home of the disgusting, lumpy, sour, bitter, monstrous fuckery that is the popularized pickle. Let’s blame the right people here: Fuckin Heinz! You couldn’t just stick to making ketchup in those glass bottles that slowly ooze it out? The marketing campaign was brilliant! Why even bother to sell anything else? Why produce those little green abominations, huh? Aren’t tomatoes good enough for you?
Let’s take a step back…*deep breath*
I grew up in a poor household. The most exciting thing we got to do was every once in a while stop in a McDonald’s drive thru. Because typically we had to order something cheap, we’d order from the dollar menu, which was fine because that’s where the McDouble and the McChicken lived, so I happily ordered from there even on days we could have a Happy Meal. And my order was usually a combination of one of each of those sandwiches, or two of one type of sandwich, and yet each time I ordered my Mcdoubles, I always said “no pickles please,” which is important because nearly every damn time, they had pickles on them! This is truly where my hatred of pickles began. I’d feed them to my brother like he was a seal honking horns at SeaWorld (fuck those guys too. SeaWorld, not the seals...)
Anyway, I developed some very serious trust issues that ultimately were inspired by the sneaky pickle (title of your sex tape) and those who would wish to make me consume it.
Every pickle is a sign of betrayal. Even as an adult, I’d make similar orders when I had a few extra bucks to “treat myself” to some shitty garbage food at McDonalds; however, the trend continued and often there’d be a damn disc of devilry sitting atop my meat patty like an infected areola. I tried, gang. I truly tried to like pickles. I tried to just eat the burger as it was, but damn it if that stupid pickle didn’t just slide right out of the bun and make its presence known instead of breaking up into delicious little complimentary chunks like the rest of the ingredients! I have often heard “oh you’re just eating the wrong pickles,” and so I’d try other types as they were presented and hey guess what? They still fuckin suck! And I just don’t get it. And here’s the real kicker: I don’t want to eat anything that’s pickled.
Pickled eggs? WTF for?
Deviled eggs? You want me to eat Devil eggs? Not today, Satan!
Pickled Olives? Those things suck on their own and now you want me to try Popeye’s wife after she’s been in brine all day? Nice try, wise guy!
Pickled Pork? No joke here.. just why? Fucking why? Just make sausage out of it ya damn mongrel! Don’t put that pork anywhere near pickled products.
Kimchi? Pickled cabbage? HA! You think I’m not gonna google what that shit is? Just stuff that unpickled cabbage with some delicious non-pickled beef and get the hell outta here!
In summary: Pickled cucumbers (Pickles, for short) cannot be trusted. They sneak into your meals despite your protests. They do not take “no” for an answer, and society seems to think everyone should just like them because Ancient India and the Heinz corporation said so! And if that doesn’t convince you to second guess those damn briny bastards, then I present you with this: Pickle rhymes with “dick hole” and that’s where pee comes from.
-Your Pal, Atom
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